• The Piquant Storyteller

The Quest Continues

The holidays have come and gone leaving a wake of wrapping paper and reality.

Cliché ads have formed picket lines across screens. Lose weight. Drink your weight lower. Eat special foods delivered to your door at a special New Year rate and you too can lose weight. Join a gym at a special New Year rate, even though we all know you are going to quit going by March.

Which is why there are the more subtle ads. Pay a special New Year rate for a doctor to either freeze or suck the fat out of your body. Let's face it - you are fat and the weight isn't coming off any other way! Or the ads that offer an app that does more than count calories in and out. It's a more mindful approach to weight loss through lifestyle changes like Sudoku, aromatherapy, and wearing more blue. Then there are Facebook posts graphically designed as "scientific" ads. Water is good but cold water is actually bad for you. I am not making this up.

Weeks of eating rich, decadent treats has resulted in January ads.

The Ad Wizards are not sorry.

Heath found his boat on REI's site this morning. His weight stalled over the holidays while mine has held steady at a 10 lb. gain. Ugh. Sunny winter days have been a rare treat with the added bonus of several unseasonably warm days. The boat has never left his mind. Finally seeing it available for pre-order online makes it all real. That pretty blue Eddyline Sitka XT kayak. Even without seeing his boat online, last night he put his PFD on to ride the bike. It was a sweaty reminder of what he's working so hard for.

I am still seeking my boat. Suggested ideas have included:

  • vacations

  • home improvement projects

  • new clothes

Right now my boat is to not have my heartrate spike while donning my workout clothes. Who knew it would be so difficult to wriggle into performance tank tops and sports bras? I know it's the ill-conceived trend to wear workout clothes as actual clothing, but who are we kidding? Do the tank tops and sports bras really need to come with padded inserts? It's a sports bra not a Wonder Bra. The idea is to keep those things from causing black eyes, not enhance their size.

My other boat is to exercise enough so that I don't look as pregnant as the salesgirl who sold me the clothes while wearing the same yoga pants and tank top I bought!

Recently, I have switched to my "fat jeans." They're jeans that never fit correctly. The waistband is about four sizes too big while the rest of the pants fit as expected. They are labeled as mid-rise jeans which is another way of saying low rise jeans for middle aged women. The back is lower than my underwear and has some invisible Velcro property I can't see. Because as my pants slip down while I walk, because the waist is too big, my underwear follows right along. This exposes more of my booty than anyone needs to see. I have middle aged plumber's crack! Spectacular. Belts don't help either. My favorite pair of "normal" sized jeans still fit. They just have a waistband that perpetually curls over. My stomach oozes out like rising pizza dough.

Forget Paris. This is my boat. To fit into my jeans. My wide leg cotton yoga pajama pants come out earlier and earlier every night because the waistband stays in place! I have a dream …


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